Tag: Parenting
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My super power, let me show you it.
I am Worst Case Scenario Girl.
Let me catch the slightest glimpse of any bit of anything, and I can immediately run it down the path to its worst possible conclusion.
I don’t mean that I can just tell you things that could go wrong. Actually, I likely won’t say anything to you about i at all. I just fast forward be boop Be BoOP BE BOOP in my mind right through ALL the bad bits. I hear it. I smell it. I feel the trauma. I experience telling others the bad news. I attend the funeral, and get into an argument with somebody there, and get a flat tire between the funeral location and the cemetery causing me to be late to the burial.
This happens unbidden and very rapidly. I do not need anybody to tell me things will be okay. I don’t need anybody to tell me that my response is ridiculous. I have been doing this as long as I can remember and I already know that most of the time when I get an unexpected phone call, it is just because somebody decided to call me unexpectedly, and not because “omg the sky is falling”. It is just something that happens, and I cope. Most of the time. Yes, my blood pressure skyrockets and my heart races and my stress level soars, but I don’t freak out and I recover quickly. I am used to living with an impending sense of doom. While it was a propensity I was apparently born with (I used to call them daymares when I was young) rather than a talent I have developed, after all of these years, it serves me fairly well. Bad things do not shock me and knock me on my ass, and in general, in the moment of an emergency, I am able to deal with things reasonably well.
This does have some relation to hating the phone though. It is not the only reason I hate the phone, but it definitely is a good portion of why I hate receiving unexpected phone calls. I often answer those with “What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” and it irritates the shit out of me when the person at the other end insists on going through, “Hello.” “How are you?” “What are you doing?” before they will tell me why they are calling.
To say I am a worrier is something of an understatement.
My mother and her husband like to backpack. They like to go deep into the wilderness away from all people. I understand the being away from people part, but I like to do that with a moat and razor wire. I do not like to leave air conditioning, indoor plumbing or internet behind. In fact I hate it. They we an backpacked in Alaska for their honeymoon, carrying enough for one week and having a plan drop stuff out of it at a specific point for week two. My little sister grew up doing that sort of thing with them.
Every summer they go off for a few weeks. The entire time they are gone I SEE all the bad that could befall them. I await anxiously for their return, or worse yet, their lack of return.
This year they invited our daughter to go with them. *shudder* Now, it isn’t that I NEVER let her out of my sight, but being out of range of speaking to me, or of 911 for several days in a row… That is not easy on me. However, life is not about being easy on me. I do not choose to let her do just anything that comes up, but I also work to not let my beyond worrier status keep her from experiencing things which will be enriching for her.
This year she went with them. Visions of fires and bears and horrible rashes and injured backs and rattlesnake bites danced in my head.
And it has been horrible. She went with only my sister and my mother’s husband. My mother stayed this time for reasons which are a very long story. This made it even more difficult, because my mother is the one that am more confident will be aware of the little safety details. This has left me with even less peace of mind.
More than that though, having her gone, out of even telephone reach, feels like an appendage missing. I rarely have the “yay no kid!” feeling for more than an hour or two. Having her gone feels a lot like how I imagine losing an appendage feels. It is a HUGE gap in my life, and there is that sense of a phantom limb to deal with too. She may drive me fucking batty but she is so dear to me. When we are not at each others throats, we understand each other very well. I am doing my best to raise her to be independent, and I damn well expect her to move out and leave and start her own life and not be with me all the time. That is for the future. Right now? Right now I like to touch base with her regularly. That is what is comfortable to me. That is what feels natural.
It isn’t only me. The night before she left, I could not peel her off of me. She was snuggled close, not wanting to go. Wanting the trip, but not wanting the distance.
So she left on a Monday, due back on Tuesday the following week. The original plan had been to stay out until Wednesday, but while I was comfortable letting her be gone for my birthday, I did not want her gone for her father’s milestone birthday. Out of range for just over a week.
Tonight, just a bit ago, the phone rang and the caller ID was one of their cell phones, and my heart STOPPED.
However, they are okay. The heat chased them out early. Nobody is hurt. Well, I think perhaps my daughter has been irreparably damaged, because she said “Oh my god, Denny’s is THE MOST AMAZING PLACE ON EARTH!” I hope that is temporary delirium from too much heat, days of eating out of foil packets, and not having a toilet to sit on for a week.
So, now I am sitting here on the sofa typing this and waiting for my (no doubt truly amazingly smelly) daughter to return home. She will be here for my birthday. Of course, this means our reservations for 3 are now fucked, because there will be six of us, and I need to make other plans. I don’t care though. I mean, I don’t care about losing out on the dinner. Making new plans does cause some stress, but that is my normal state.
Soon she will be home, where she belongs, pissing me off as easily as she breathes, as she should be.
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Weekend Update
There is a girl who lives nearby. We met her and her family almost immediately upon moving into this house and her and my daughter began hanging out. There have been times when they have spent more time together and times when they’ve spent less time together. I’ve never actively encouraged the friendship because I do not care for the parenting style of her parents. At the same time I have not discouraged the relationship either. There are certain things I will not allow when I feel their parenting would possibly impact my daughter’s safety, but as far as whether or not the girl makes a good friend, I’ve tried to leave that up to my daughter to sort out on her own.
I had several reasons behind this. For one, I did not want to hold the girl responsible for what her parents have done, as long as she could more or less manage to behave herself in a way that didn’t irritate the crap out of me, I didn’t mind her being around. Also, I will not be standing beside my daughter throughout her life. She needs to determine for herself how to make judgments about people and exactly how much she is willing to put up with. She needs to learn how to sort out relationship problems on her own. I am more than happy to give her my opinion, even when she doesn’t want it, but I also try to acknowledge all the other points of view and leave the important parts, like whether or not to consider the girl a friend up to her. I will restrict her from taking part in certain activities with a person, but I will not make some ill-conceived attempt to control her feelings for another person. That would just lead to her stubbornly hanging onto horrible relationships just to prove me wrong. Besides, I have disliked more of her playmates than I’ve liked, so if I asserted my influence too strongly she’d just grow up to be a hermit on a hill with a rifle, and dammit I already called dibs.
Anyhow, last year this girl started middle school (and her period) and she has been a-changin’. She has new friends who have labeled my daughter as “syoopid” because she doesn’t like The Pussy Cat Dolls, doesn’t watch the new whorrific Puddy Cat Dolls reality show, and she freakishly likes showtunes “what r thos?” Recently it has degenerated further. The girl began to make prank phone calls. When my daughter called her on it (between recognizing her voice, and umm… you know, caller ID) she got pissed off. Little neighborhood miss then decided to pass around our daughter’s cell phone number to a few friends. “I didn’t call you. That was my cousin. If you don’t believe me you are a bad friend and I don’t like you anymore.”
Ah, the joys of being an adolescent.
Now I am truthfully beyond fucking irritated because A) cell phone minutes cost money, and she is on a very restrictive plan because we mainly got it so we could be in touch with each other, I have no interest in her wandering about with a phone attached to her head all the time and B) I HATE NOISE so the damn thing ringing over and over is pissing me the fuck off.
My first instinct is to walk over to the girl’s house and just give her a good spanking, followed perhaps by doing something violent with her phone. I really need my daughter to decide for herself how to handle it, and hopefully to put some actual thought into it first and not just jump into something. We’ve discussed various options and possible and likely results. Now I am waiting. Of course to top it all off my daughter is feeling hurt and pissed off. This means I am stuck in the house with a moody creature.
So, how is your weekend?
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ill-mannered post
I am subscribed to various groups that I don’t enjoy being subscribed to, but do need the occasional bits of useful information that happen to get posted. Recently a “discussion” about manners has broken out on one. I decided to torture myself and read it. I do not always treat myself very well.
This is a large group which meets in person regularly. I very rarely attend. The flurry of messages started because somebody posted a complaint about the general behavior of many of the children at a recent lunch. Behavior such as yelling, sitting on top of tables, making huge messes with no attempt at cleaning, and purposefully spilling water were listed. I was not there. I do not know what happened THIS time. I do know that part of the reason that I rarely attend such things is because I am anti-social, and part of the reason is because the behavior of many of the members and their children is totally unpleasant for me to be around. This leaves me inclined to believe the original poster’s overall impression of the level of manners on display. Other aspects of the original complaint did rub me the wrong way, not that anybody argued with her on those points.
The responses started.
Boys will be boys. Kids enjoying being kids. I am blessed by a special needs child who is loving and full of energy. Every child is different and not all are calm and quiet as apparently you are lucky enough to have. We work so hard and it is nice to spend time talking to adult friends and that distracts us from watching the kids, but we all know what that is like and should be understanding. We all have bad days sometimes so we should be supportive when the kids are having bad days. Well I know, having four kids, I can’t always keep an eye on all of them at once. If you think a child is behaving in an inappropriate or unsafe manner you should say something, we should all look out for each other. Sorry if I am not as perfect of a mother as you. Yes they are a bit excited and enthusiastic but they are overall so much better behaved than other kids I see.
On and on and fucking on.
The whole thing irritates the shit out of me. I can’t attend events which should be interesting and educational because they let their kids be so fucking noisy and distracting that it drowns out the point of being there. I can’t set foot in a restaurant during certain times. I am rarely able to stand taking my daughter to those kid oriented places. We order books online rather than making use of the library because that is cheaper than paying the attorney fees when I finally snap from the noise and rudeness and running around, not to mention the scribbled on books in the library.
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A Stroll Down Memory Lane
Santa ClausWhen our daughter was 3 years old, we were out with friends of ours, a boy and his mom. We were walking past a Santa Claus set up, and he wanted to go chat with the santa. While he was up there, I asked her if she wanted to go too. She looked at me like I was nuts. “No,” she told me.
He did his thing and came running back with a big grin, waving about a candy cane that the santa had given him (Come sit in my lap little boy. Do you want some candy?” See? Creepy).She stared intently at the candy cane and looked back at me. “Now you want to go?” I asked.
“Will you go with me?” she asked.
“No,” I snorted, “but I’ll stand right here and watch.”
She frowned, “Okay.” She approached the santa warily and stopped just out of arms reach. She stood there, unsure how it all worked.
He ho ho ho’d and wanted to know what she wanted for Christmas.
“Actually,” she said “we don’t celebrate Christmas.” (“Actually” was her favorite way to start a sentence from ages 2-4).
The jolly act dropped from the santa’s face and he just looked at her perplexed. They stared at each other for a beat in silence. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“You gave my friend a candy cane,” she told the santa matter of factly. “Can I have one?”
He smiled. This he could understand. He handed over a candy cane and she quickly made her way back to us.
“Can I have part of the candy cane and save part for Daddy?” she asked, holding it up triumphantly.
“Ask me after lunch,” I told her.
The Tooth FairyWhen she had her first loose tooth she came to me one day wanting to discuss The Tooth Fairy. I was a bit surprised. What was there to discuss? She wanted to know if The Tooth Fairy was real.
*blink* *blink*This was not a question I had been expecting. It wasn’t just that we didn’t tell her the Santa Claus and Easter Bunny myth, we had explained to her the nature of it, from the start. Yet here she was coming to me about The Tooth Fairy.
“Well,” I asked, “Do YOU think The Tooth Fairy is real?”
She paused for a moment and finally answered, “Yes.”
Yes?!?!
“Oh, um… why do you think that?” I inquired. I mean, really, why the fuck did she think that?
“When Maiya loses a tooth, she puts it under her pillow and in the morning there is money,” she explained.
“And who do you think put it there?” I asked hopefully.
“The Tooth Fairy.”
Let’s try this another way. “Does Maiya get things from Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny are real?” I asked, pretty certain that to this I’d at least get the response I was expecting.
She laughs. “No!”
“Okay, then who do you think gives her the things from Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny?”
“Grandma.”
“And who do you think leaves money under her pillow when she loses a tooth?” I asked hopefully.
She told me, “The Tooth Fairy.”
This stunning display of non-logic was, well, stunning to me. I was seeing my child in a whole new light, and I did not like it. I was sitting there, no doubt with my mouth hanging open, wondering about the details of the return policy and whether I had kept the receipt for her. I took a deep breath. “What makes you think that?”
She leaned in very close to me and, quietly and slowly, she said something that sounded partialy like she was telling me a secret and a good deal like she was explaining something to a complete idiot, “I. just. think. it. might. be. fun.”
Ah ha. I got it. She wasn’t an idiot. She wanted the fun of pretending, and better yet she wanted money under her pillow. “Oh. Okay.”
So, we did The Tooth Fairy thing. I bought a bunch of books that were tooth related and when she’d lose a tooth and stuck it under her pillow, we’d take the tooth and leave a book and some coins. One time we could not find the tooth, it had slipped beyond reach. That time The Tooth Fairy left a letter explaining that regulation prevented her from leaving something if she could not find the tooth. She would get into trouble. The Tooth Fairy writes backwards, so it can be easily read in a mirror.
She was right. It was sort of fun.
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Post 1 of The Things I Like Series
Having been raised to give some serious respect to Thumper’s Rule, I spend a lot of time silent. People who know me a little might be shocked to hear that, because I certainly don’t seem shy about complaining. People who know me well realize I keep much more of my rampant disgust and dissatisfaction to myself.
So, I thought I’d try some posts about things that I actually like.
But first, I’ll start with the negative.
I have the shittiest luck in movie theaters. I can go to a matinee show of a film that has been in theaters for 8 weeks, and I will still have a shitty experience. When I go to the movie theater, one of the following will occur:
- people will bring their 4 children ranging from infant to 8 years old to see an R-rated movie and let them run around screaming the whole time
- people will let their child sit behind me and kick my seat the entire movie
- people will answer their cell phone and talk to the person during the movie “nothing… just watching this dumb movie”
- people will make-out stretched across the seats with their head almost in my lap
- people will have belching contests and laugh hysterically at how cool they are
- people will have blue flame contests and laugh hysterically at how cool they are
- people will change their baby’s shitty diaper seat next to me and then leave the diaper sitting there
- people who get off on violent rape scenes will sit next to me and become extremely and noisily excited during them
- people will threaten to kill me because I ask them to be quiet
- people will vomit and just continue sitting there
- people will leave their young, unruly, poorly behaved, unsupervised, rude, snotty (usually literally) children to watch the film I am seeing, and go watch a different movie themselves
Often, more than one of them occurs.
It isn’t that I hate movie theaters, just people.
Because movie theaters don’t work well for me, we use Netflix, and I find it a reasonably painless way to rent movies. Prior to Netflix, I hadn’t rented a movie in at least five years and was instead supplying any film watching desires with an out of control DVD purchasing addiction. Netflix did a lot to help soften the addiction. What is with the rating system though? 5 stars? Who can make any meaningful rating and comparison of a movie with a measly 5 stars. I need at least 10, and I really want at least 20 points on the rating curve to measure things effectively.
They only give me 5 though, which makes some of my ratings come out a bit odd. There is always the quality factor to consider, as well as the enjoyment factor. Plus, how difficult am I to please in a particular genre? If I tend to hate movies in a genre and then enjoy one, it deserves a different boost to its rating than a movie that has everything going for it as far as my personal taste is concerned and yet only manages to not be disappointing. Even though at the end of the day I might think the second movie is better.
Favorite is too strong of statement and I don’t use it often. I can’t even imaging trying to narrow it down to a favorite movie. I am just going to list a random 5 (not in order, nor necessarily the top 5) by genre, that I gave 5 Netflix stars to.
Foreign: La Femme Nikita, Cinema Paradiso, The Wedding Banquet, Battle Royale, Amelie
Animated: Bambi, My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Nightmare Before Christmas, The Iron Giant
Comedy: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, Heathers, Swingers, Dazed and Confused, Bring It On
Drama: Dangerous Liaisons, The Shawshank Redemption, Dogfight, I Am Sam, Dead Poets Society
Horror: Nightbreed, Scream, An American Werewolf in London, The Lost Boys, Something Wicked This Way Comes
Action/Adventure: Thelma and Louise, Die Hard, Indiana Jones, War Games, Young Guns
Thriller: Killing Zoe, Falling Down, The Usual Suspects, Death and the Maiden, Closet Land
Romance: Garden State, The Man in the Moon, Before Sunset, Say Anything, Sliding Doors
Sci-Fi/Fantasy: Serenity, Empire Strikes Back, Blade Runner, Highlander, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
So there, some things that I liked in some fashion for a wide range of reasons I am not going to detail out.