Open Letter: Stop Helping Me Edition

Dear Everyone and their Little Pony and especially Belkin and Linksys,

I am so sick of all the “help” being offered to me in the form of crappy little specialty programs. All I want is a device driver. A driver that will tell my computer how to talk to your little piece of hardware. I do not need an interface with pretty colors and rounded corners and attractive buttons, that hides away all the “complicated” stuff and makes it so that it takes me 30 times longer than it should to make your specialty extra wonderful whiz bang wireless card work with MY network setup.

The OS already has an interface to deal with wireless networking. Don’t disable it and make me use your bloated piece of shit instead, I do not care how many shades of blue you can use to decorate the UI.

Fuck off.


Dear Microsoft Office Product Team,

While you are busy imagining what new features I will never ever want out of Office suite, you might want to consider actually making it, I don’t know, IMPORT my settings from previous Office products when I “upgrade”. Word is essentially unusable out of the box for me. It is impressive that you have managed to turn one of your few functional products into a piece of shit with all those helpful features.

If you really want to help, make sure the next version you release auto-composes and sends a hate letter from me to you or one of the other Microsoft groups at least once a month.

Congratulations on making Office 2007 the upgrade to avoid of the decade. Enjoy your trophy.



Dear Apple,

The fact that a few people have chosen to place content that I really want to see in QuickTime format means that I do have QT installed on my computer and I do need updates on occasion. It in no way at all means that I ever ever EVER want you to install iTunes on my computer, so stop trying. It also does not mean that I want you to autosneak in the association of every fricken type of multimedia file with your program. The only thing I ever want to use QT for are the things I cannot access any other way. Fixing your helpful changes to my associations took up far more time than you are worth.

Sincerely wishing you a crap day,


Cheese and Lack of Crackers (AKA - Why I prefer to shop online)
Open Letter: CNN Edition

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