feeling sad

My father called today.

My grandfather is not doing well.  Yesterday he complained of having no strength. He had to be in a wheelchair all day because he could not get around with his walker. He was too tired to take a shower (he usually sits on a chair and my aunt helps him) last night, so they waited until morning. This morning he was completely unable to help my aunt with the shower, she had to do everything. After she got him out, he passed out for 2 minutes. Afterward he couldn’t move his legs. They took him to the hospital and the hospital drew blood (saw nothing) and did a CT scan. The CT showed swelling of his brain. For some fucking reason which has my grandmother and aunt extremely upset, they sent him home instead of admitting him to the hospital.

When getting him ready for bed, he couldn’t even move his arms enough to get them into his pajama top, my aunt had to do everything for him. He could not tell her who the president was. When she asked if he knew who she was, he said “My girlfriend.” She doesn’t know if he knew who she was and was completely joking, he didn’t know who she was and made a conscious joke to cover for it, or if he was really that confused. I am guessing the second, personally.

In the morning they will see how he is doing, if he is significantly worse they will go to the hospital again. If he is the same they will take him to the nursing home. If he cannot move around at all on his own, they need him where there are more people to care for him and where there are nurses around. Luckily it is close to their house and an easy visit.

I am not sure yet whether or not I am going. My father hasn’t figured out yet whether he is going. They live inconveniently far. It is a 4-5 hour drive from a major airport. It is a long drive for either of us from our homes. I am frustrated that they sent him home, that smacks of giving up.

My biggest fear is they will put him in the home and two years later his body will still be technically alive, but he won’t have control of it, and his mind will be completely gone.

I am probably not going to be very available the next few days, I need to get a bunch of work done so that I can leave if I need to. Or I might be around a lot to distract myself. I am not sure. Hopefully I will be working.

I was the first grandchild by far. The first grandchild to the oldest child on both sides. I was 13 before I had a cousin. I had completely different grandparents than my cousins did. My grandparents were young and active and did a lot of stuff with me. My paternal grandfather took me fishing. He took me shooting. He took me camping. I have a lot of good memories of him. I am not as close to him as I am to my paternal grandmother, but to an extent their relationship with each other is what makes me the saddest. Watching both of them watch as their partner over all these many decades slowly succumbs to old age and poor health is sad.