Blog

  • There Must Be Some Toros in the Atmosphere

    It is cold.

    It is not Minnesota cold, but it is really damn cold for SoCal. I’ve never experienced anything like it since living here, and it sucks. We are just not built for it here. I do not own any really warm clothing. I don’t have a coat. Californians don’t empty our pools, for the winter or leave our spa pumps running 24/7. They don’t leave a trickle of water running in homes that they leave for a weekend. They don’t disconnect the sprinkler system and put socks on their outdoor faucets. Hell they don’t even turn off the sprinkler timers for the winter.

    We’ve had ice on our sidewalks for 4 days now, and it isn’t even melting by midday. There have been multiple freeway accidents due to black ice. Where is it we are living? We know a lot of people who have busted pipes thanks to the last few days of weather. We tried to go out for dinner this weekend and the place we wanted to go was closed because their pipes had frozen and burst. Our bird is in the garage, and is not at all happy about it. Normally he lives outside all year. I’m sure we’ll find breaks in our landscaping pipes as well.

    Overall the big problem is the severe crop damage. Citrus and avocado have taken very bad hits. Berries and leafy greens are not fairing much better (and of course California’s leafy greens already took a consumer confidence and sales hit earlier this year due to the ecoli outbreak). Obviously this is going to hurt California’s economy over the coming year, but California provides so much produce to the nation, this is not just a local issue. It is going to have an effect on produce prices nationwide, and that is bad news for everyone.

    In my own tiny little sliver of personal produce production, I am pretty sure that my lime tree and habernero plant are both totally screwed.

  • Who wants to go to the mall?

    Not me.

    Okay, I just sent off pdf number 20 of the day, so they can all be approved by the client. I am pretty sure they will be, actually the one I have been fighting with the longest, he already approved but I was unhappy with how something was working out, so I have been fighting with it for the past week as I continued to work on the other items. Next will be getting them to the printer and getting proofs.

    This should be a relief, but instead it means it is time to take my MIL to the mall. She wants to buy me an outfit, which is a very nice thing. It is just I am very bad at traditional clothes shopping. At this point I mainly order things online and just suck up the postage fees if it turns out I hate it or it doesn’t fit. The crowds, the noise, the cramped dressing rooms that are always way too warm for me, and all the muzak.

    Alright, enough stalling. Off to shop I go.

    First I have to move our outdoor bird into the garage because they are predicting record lows for the next two nights. Look at that, found another way to stall.

  • 2hyp0cr1t1cal4m3

    There is a website called 2smrt4u. The U.S. Postal Inspection Service and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children joined together to fund a site to help teach safe and smart internet usage to teens.

    They have some reasonable tips, such as:

    DON’T
    • Post your cell phone number, address, or the name of your school
    • Post your friends’ names, ages, phone numbers, school names, or addresses
    • Add people as friends to your site unless you know them in person
    • Communicate with people you don’t know
    • Give out your password to anyone other than your parent or guardian
    • Meet in person with anyone you first “met” on a social networking site
    • Respond to harassing or rude comments posted on your profile
    • Make or post plans and activities on your site
    • Post photos with school names, locations, license plates, or signs
    • Post photos with the name of your sports team
    • Post sexually provocative photos
    • Respond to threatening or negative emails or IMs

    Not that I agree 100% with all of them, but it gives a better starting point than some kids have been given before.

    However…

    They also offer an IM ICON  , you know, so you can present yourself as a challenge and dare stalkers to try to find you.

    Best of all they are giving away a free ring. Really. It is free. All they want you to do is tell them your date of birth, your address and whether you are male or female. Don’t worry, they won’t ask for your address if you say you are under the age of 13.

    So obviously, it is teaching excellent online habits.

  • ill-mannered post

    I am subscribed to various groups that I don’t enjoy being subscribed to, but do need the occasional bits of useful information that happen to get posted. Recently a “discussion” about manners has broken out on one. I decided to torture myself and read it. I do not always treat myself very well.

    This is a large group which meets in person regularly. I very rarely attend. The flurry of messages started because somebody posted a complaint about the general behavior of many of the children at a recent lunch. Behavior such as yelling, sitting on top of tables, making huge messes with no attempt at cleaning, and purposefully spilling water were listed. I was not there. I do not know what happened THIS time. I do know that part of the reason that I rarely attend such things is because I am anti-social, and part of the reason is because the behavior of many of the members and their children is totally unpleasant for me to be around. This leaves me inclined to believe the original poster’s overall impression of the level of manners on display. Other aspects of the original complaint did rub me the wrong way, not that anybody argued with her on those points.

    The responses started.

    Boys will be boys. Kids enjoying being kids. I am blessed by a special needs child who is loving and full of energy. Every child is different and not all are calm and quiet as apparently you are lucky enough to have. We work so hard and it is nice to spend time talking to adult friends and that distracts us from watching the kids, but we all know what that is like and should be understanding. We all have bad days sometimes so we should be supportive when the kids are having bad days. Well I know, having four kids, I can’t always keep an eye on all of them at once. If you think a child is behaving in an inappropriate or unsafe manner you should say something, we should all look out for each other. Sorry if I am not as perfect of a mother as you. Yes they are a bit excited and enthusiastic but they are overall so much better behaved than other kids I see.

    On and on and fucking on.

    The whole thing irritates the shit out of me. I can’t attend events which should be interesting and educational because they let their kids be so fucking noisy and distracting that it drowns out the point of being there. I can’t set foot in a restaurant during certain times. I am rarely able to stand taking my daughter to those kid oriented places. We order books online rather than making use of the library because that is cheaper than paying the attorney fees when I finally snap from the noise and rudeness and running around, not to mention the scribbled on books in the library.
    (more…)

  • unfortunately


    unfortunately
    Originally uploaded by mstori.

    My first fortune cookie of 2007, and it is making fun of me.

  • Happy Fuckin’ New Year

    May 2007 be significantly better than 2006!

  • I Do Not “Love You Man”

    Tonight I took the dogs out to the backyard to go to the bathroom and have dinner, and discovered a can of Bud Light tossed into our yard. Because of the nature of access to our yard, the only two likely suspects are the landscaping crew that takes care of the neighborhood, and I have never seen them do anything like that, or friends of the teen aged girl next door. In the past when she has had parties people have thrown chewed gum into our yard. One actually has to make quite an effort to do that, because our yard is significantly above theirs. It cannot happen accidentally as they try to throw it to some spot in her yard.

    Now the woman who lives next door is, most days of the year, a very decent neighbor. She is friendly when appropriate. She leaves us alone most of the time. She never trims a tree that is on our property, but hanging over hers, without checking in with us first. She’s provided alcohol for our drinking pleasure on more than one occasion.

    She has two daughters, only one of whom still lives at home. The daughters do like to throw parties when Mom is away. I doubt that either of the people living next door is throwing shit into my backyard, but like it or not, people will judge you by the company you keep.

    Tonight, I am not thinking warm and happy thoughts about the neighbors.

    I do not fucking like shit to be thrown into my backyard. Not one little fucking bit.

    The fact you only run with people who drive disgustingly expensive fucking cars does not mean you have found people with class.

    Go out and find yourselves some friends with better manners and better taste. Bud Light is disgusting.

  • A Stroll Down Memory Lane

    Santa Claus

    When our daughter was 3 years old, we were out with friends of ours, a boy and his mom. We were walking past a Santa Claus set up, and he wanted to go chat with the santa. While he was up there, I asked her if she wanted to go too. She looked at me like I was nuts. “No,” she told me.

    He did his thing and came running back with a big grin, waving about a candy cane that the santa had given him (Come sit in my lap little boy. Do you want some candy?” See? Creepy). 

    She stared intently at the candy cane and looked back at me. “Now you want to go?” I asked.

    “Will you go with me?” she asked.

    “No,” I snorted, “but I’ll stand right here and watch.”

    She frowned, “Okay.” She approached the santa warily and stopped just out of arms reach. She stood there, unsure how it all worked.

    He ho ho ho’d and wanted to know what she wanted for Christmas.

    “Actually,” she said “we don’t celebrate Christmas.” (“Actually” was her favorite way to start a sentence from ages 2-4).

    The jolly act dropped from the santa’s face and he just looked at her perplexed. They stared at each other for a beat in silence. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

    “You gave my friend a candy cane,” she told the santa matter of factly. “Can I have one?”

    He smiled. This he could understand. He handed over a candy cane and she quickly made her way back to us.

    “Can I have part of the candy cane and save part for Daddy?” she asked, holding it up triumphantly.

    “Ask me after lunch,” I told her.

    The Tooth Fairy

    When she had her first loose tooth she came to me one day wanting to discuss The Tooth Fairy. I was a bit surprised. What was there to discuss? She wanted to know if The Tooth Fairy was real.

    *blink* *blink* 

    This was not a question I had been expecting. It wasn’t just that we didn’t tell her the Santa Claus and Easter Bunny myth, we had explained to her the nature of it, from the start. Yet here she was coming to me about The Tooth Fairy.

    “Well,” I asked, “Do YOU think The Tooth Fairy is real?”

    She paused for a moment and finally answered, “Yes.”

    Yes?!?!

    “Oh, um… why do you think that?” I inquired. I mean, really, why the fuck did she think that?

    “When Maiya loses a tooth, she puts it under her pillow and in the morning there is money,” she explained.

    “And who do you think put it there?” I asked hopefully.

    “The Tooth Fairy.”

    Let’s try this another way. “Does Maiya get things from Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny?”

    “Yes.”

    “Do you think Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny are real?” I asked, pretty certain that to this I’d at least get the response I was expecting.

    She laughs. “No!”

    “Okay, then who do you think gives her the things from Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny?”

    “Grandma.”

    “And who do you think leaves money under her pillow when she loses a tooth?” I asked hopefully.

    She told me, “The Tooth Fairy.”

    This stunning display of non-logic was, well, stunning to me. I was seeing my child in a whole new light, and I did not like it. I was sitting there, no doubt with my mouth hanging open, wondering about the details of the return policy and whether I had kept the receipt for her. I took a deep breath. “What makes you think that?”

    She leaned in very close to me and, quietly and slowly, she said something that sounded partialy like she was telling me a secret and a good deal like she was explaining something to a complete idiot, “I. just. think. it. might. be. fun.”

    Ah ha. I got it. She wasn’t an idiot. She wanted the fun of pretending, and better yet she wanted money under her pillow. “Oh. Okay.”

    So, we did The Tooth Fairy thing. I bought a bunch of books that were tooth related and when she’d lose a tooth and stuck it under her pillow, we’d take the tooth and leave a book and some coins. One time we could not find the tooth, it had slipped beyond reach. That time The Tooth Fairy left a letter explaining that regulation prevented her from leaving something if she could not find the tooth. She would get into trouble. The Tooth Fairy writes backwards, so it can be easily read in a mirror.

    She was right. It was sort of fun.

  • Holiday Songs

    I like to change the words to songs.  Here are a couple of examples.

    Santa Got Run Over By My Grandma
    Santa got run over by my grandma
    As she drove home from our house, Christmas Eve
    You may say there’s no such thing as Santa
    But as for me and State Farm, we believe

    He was moving much too slowly
    And there wasn’t room to pass
    So she threw it into third gear
    Floored the Porsche and drove it straight up Santa’s ass

    (up his ass, up his ass)
    When they found him Christmas morning
    There were tire tracks on his nuts
    And all the little reindeer
    Had identical marks upon their butts

    Santa got run over by my grandma
    As she drove home from our house, Christmas Eve
    You may say there’s no such thing as Santa
    But as for me and State Farm, we believe

    When Dasher’s antler forked poor Rudolph
    Boy that really must have throbbed
    But come on over to our house
    We’re all having venison shish ka bobs

    (shish ka bobs)

    Now Grandma doesn’t have her license
    ‘cuz they suspended it last year
    Using words like “speed” and “wreckless”
    And the letters D U I, or so I hear

    Santa got run over by my grandma
    As she drove home from our house, Christmas Eve
    You may say there’s no such thing as Santa
    But as for me and State Farm, we believe

    We are all so proud of Debbie**
    She’s been taking it so well
    She just wants to find my grandma
    Shoot her dead and send that ancient bitch to hell

    (straight to hell)
    It’s just not Christmas without Santa
    All the Elves are dressed in black
    They are sitting at the North Pole
    Playing cards, drinking beer and smoking crack

    Santa got run over by my grandma
    As she drove home from our house, Christmas Eve
    You may say there’s no such thing as Santa
    But as for me and State Farm, we believe

    It’s the little old lady from Pasadena
    Go Granny Go Granny Go Granny Go

    ** at the time a local radio commercial featured Mrs. Claus and revealed her name to be Debbie

    O Festivus

    O Festivus, O Festivus
    A celebration for the rest of us
    O Festivus, O Festivus
    For all the worst and best in us

    You need no tinsel to distract
    The ornaments, just leave them packed
    O Festivus, O Festivus
    And saving money is a plus

    We gather ’round a simple pole
    Lack of excess tis our goal
    O Festivus, O Festivus
    Aluminum, it does not rust

    We list the ways we’ve been let down
    Said with a smile or with a frown
    O Festivus, O Festivus
    No need for smalltalk to discuss

    Challenged to the feats of strength
    No need to show any restraint
    O Festivus, O Festivus
    Continued ’til there’s tears and fuss

    O Festivus, O Festivus
    Some pleasure doth thou bring us
    O Festivus, O Festivus
    Enjoyment for the rest of us