Bitchy McBitcherson's Blog

Tag: depression

  • would you like a little whine with that?

    This morning I feel fucking sorry for myself because I need to fill out a little yellow piece of paper because Z is stage crew on a show.

    I have no fucking answer for somebody to put in the Emergency Contact space in case we cannot be reached, much less two names.

    We have no fucking friends here. We are just here, all alone.

    Now, mind you, in all the years of her doing stuff, I’ve never had a situation where the emergency contact needed to be contacted, but in L.A. I always had a number for that spot, and a number that I knew would reach somebody who would handle it as I would want it handled.

    Fuck Minnesota.

  • Bad Mood on the Rise

    I am paying bills, eating salt and pepper pistachios, and trying not to think too much about the fact that my laptop is on a downward slope and will soon either need to have money and time spent on it, or will need to be retired to the junkyard.

    My mood is shit, due partly to paying bills, partly to teenage attitude, partly to the ridiculously frustrating behavior and actions of a friend, and mostly to just being me.

    In moving news, I am still completely NOT unpacked and settled. Yes, I do realize it is because it is my own way of not really moving. I want to be with my family, but I don’t want to be here. The behavior is ridiculous, immature, and self-destructive. It is easy to create an atmosphere where I cannot possible be happy (surrounded by chaos, disorder and boxes, and unable to find things I need), and thereby prove that I cannot be happy here. I am working on it. Even if I create an environment where functionality is possible, it may not lead to functionality, but if I neglect to even try to create such an environment I am not even giving myself a chance. That might be fine as a personal choice, but since I live with two other people, it would be fucking unfair. So, I am working on it, but I am not happy about it. I don’t feel better because I am working on it. I am just working on it.

    Today I hung something on the wall. I screwed something of ours to the wall. This is the first time I’ve done that. I don’t mean EVER. It is the first time I’ve done that in this house. I attached something to the house. I’m not sure that the fact I’ve done it is symbolic, but I am damn certain that the fact I hadn’t was. It helps that it was a less than $10 something that I probably won’t even bother to take with me when I leave. It also helps that is a knife magnet bar, meaning sharp things are now easier for me to reach.

  • More Whining

    I sort of more or less chilled this weekend and tried to relax, but today came and the overwhelming stress of all I need to get done hit and I could not stop kicking myself for not staying on task. I was so busy kicking myself, I couldn’t really manage to get back on task. It was a shit day.

    I did make a small batch of chicken stock, which is now cooling. I much prefer homemade stock to store bought, because I control what goes in it, and it is more cost effective too. Chicken stock is a staple item in my kitchen. I think that is pretty much the extent of my accomplishments today, and it was a small batch.

    I did a little bit of grocery shopping today, but that was also an exercise in stress. Basically anything that I cannot find, that was a regular thing for me to purchase “back home” sends me into a fit of feeling sorry for myself, as if I need any extra help with that. I am really just pathetic and annoying at this point, even to myself, and I know I am a pain in the ass for other people to deal with.

    It is no help that I am leaving in a few days on one trip, and then getting back and leaving almost right away on another trip (but having to cram in a work party in between). This will be basically another whole month without my husband and I am just already so done with being apart.

    I also just utterly do not have the energy or patience to be the mother to a teenager. Yet, there she is, every day. It isn’t just the act of parenting that takes so much energy, it is being near the orbit of all that teenage baggage. It just sucks the life out of me.

    Tomorrow I get to go be around dozens of teenagers. Also I get to go to a church. That is where an area homeschool teen group has their monthly meetings. If I never post again, assume I burst into flames, from one or the other. Or perhaps it will be having to meet the homeschooling parents that will do me in.

    We are also supposed to bring some sort of potluck dish for lunch (which I failed to remember about while grocery shopping), a tray of cookies to share, which I think I am just going to refuse (Holy shit, a TRAY of cookies from every family? I don’t even want to be around that many teens when they haven’t consumed 4 pounds of sugar each), plus a can or two for the church food pantry (which I also failed to remember while grocery shopping). Tomorrow morning I will go to the grocery store and sort something out for that meeting, and no doubt have another pity party over not finding what I want and am familiar with.

    Is there a magic potluck dish that will make them like my daughter and make her feel welcome and happy here? Is there one which will make them hate her and make her so miserable that I never have to go to one of these damn meetings again? Can I just bring a bunch of eggplant and okra? I suppose what I really need to do is the same thing I do at every potluck. Eat before I go.

    I feel like shit.

  • Season of Cranky

    I am not unaware or unappreciative of the good in my life. I’m not. There is a lot that is good. I know it.

    However, I don’t feel like writing about it right now. I don’t want to look on the bright side or focus on the positive. What I want to do is vent about the negative. I want to do that here. I am going to bitch and complain and dwell on the dark side and wallow in the muck and I really don’t need anyone to help me see the positive side. Not only do I not need it, I don’t want it.

    So, please feel free to scroll right past my pity party (which I suspect will be going on for quite a while), but don’t be trying to aim a bunch of sunshine my way. It just isn’t what I need right now.

    It’s fucking cold. I don’t mind the cold, really, but I have lived in Southern California for the past 13 years. I didn’t own any winter clothes. Cold without decent clothes is just fucking miserable. In order to rectify the no winter clothes thing, I need to shop.

    You know what else makes me fucking miserable? That would be shopping. I’ve had to do more shopping in person in the past few weeks than I’ve had to do in… I don’t know how long. I hate it. I hate the stores. I hate the parking lot. I hate the crowds. I hate dealing with the check out. I hate trying shit on.

    Also, it turns out I basically hate winter clothes. Or at least most of what I am finding. They are not flattering to me. I feel ugly in them.

    I have found several cute things for the kid. Actually we are close to done on the kid stuff.

    The water pressure problem has not been solved and I need it to be dealt with soon. There is this whole odd thing with this house as far as the owner and the property manager goes (I’ll write about it later) but in the meantime, my water pressure problem is not being handled. I know it will be soon, but really, I want it handed 2 weeks ago.

    Every night I go to bed without enough done. Every morning I wake up with too much to do.

    I can’t find a good breakfast place. Breakfast is easy enough to do at home, but as a family we really enjoy a breakfast out every other weekend and since we got here we’ve been eating out a lot more often than that as I try to beat this kitchen into shape. Breakfast is easy. How can everyplace be so lame? Ugh.

    The stove here is electric. One of those glass top ranges. I hate it. It is a pain in the ass to cook on, and I haven’t gotten the knack for it yet at all.

    Produce is noticeably more expensive here. Wandering through the grocery store causes a fair amount of stress. First of all… it is shopping. Secondly, I don’t know where anything is because they are not “my” grocery stores, so I have to wander around a lot. Then they don’t care the things I want, or the prices are high enough to make me cringe. The cheapest turnips I’ve found so far are more than twice as expensive as back home (which is still how my brain thinks of it). I went to a Trader Joe’s here, which is a story in itself, damn what a shitfest of a parking lot, and everyone shopping there was cranky. Actually I suppose I fit in well. They don’t carry several of my staple TJ items though. When I am back in CA, I am going to pick up those so I can bring the packaging back here and give it to the manager and see if they can look into carrying them. They are all TJ branded items, so… maybe.

    Also a LOT more expensive? Finding somebody to do yard work type stuff for you. I am getting quotes for yard maintenance and snow removal. They are not pleasing to me, and I keep getting tempted to just try doing the snow removal thing ourselves this year out of sheer cheapness, but I also know that since every person in our house has serious back problems, that I had better factor in the medical costs to the whole thing.

    Alright, time to go to bed. At some point I should probably get a new comforter to replace the one that Willow peed to death. The nights might be a bit warmer then. Not that I’d be getting enough sleep because the dogs are determined to wake me up several times a night.

  • posting from my phone

    The mobile interface is very limited. Hopefully I will have a new and better phone tomorrow. I really hope to have internet installed on Monday.

    Woke up to fire news from the place I am honestly still thinking of as “home”, and have continued to monitor the situation all day. Just exchanged some txtmsgs with my neighbor a few minutes ago.

    Unpacking is going slowly. Climate adjustment is also going slowly. My skin hates the change.

    Dogs are… annoying. Indy hates the weather and in her typical weather hating response is going on bathroom strikes. London caught a possum in the backyard, and now only wants to catch more things, and is also becoming a bathroom problem, because he is too busy looking for something to catch and doesn’t want to waste time pooping. Great. I fear for the carpet.

    The cats are doing great.

    The fish is still alive.

    It has been warmer the past two days than it was when we first got here, but is still on the chilly side.

    Wonderful friend arrives on Monday to provide us with a week of company and unpacking help.

    On Monday they are predicting a high of 29 degrees. I hope wonderful friend brings warm clothes.

    I predict I will cook a lot more soup here.

  • Will the Real Fuck Up Please Stand Up

    To elaborate:

    The Dogs – The dogs have recently crossed that line from little bad behaviors on occasion to being willfully defiant of long standing rules. This is my fault. I know how to raise dogs and live with them. You have to be consistent, and you have to nip the little things in the bud and not let them grow into big things. You have to make time to deal with it. It is your responsibility to help them be the companions that you want them to be. By “you”, I mean ME. These are my dogs. They are my responsibility. The husband is a cat person. That is not to say that he does not love the dogs, however they would not live in this house if not for me. I am the one who wanted to get dogs. Also, I am the one who works from home and spends the most time with them. I am not unaware. I knew that they were developing little bad behaviors. I knew. I had it on my list to put in the time to work on it. I just never got around to it. Every single time they would do something wrong, take too long to come when called, every time, a million times a day, when things were not quite as they should be… I knew that they needed some time and attention to just nudge things back into place. However I never managed to make the time. Now, they are NOT completely unruly terrors, but they have crossed over the line where I can really tolerate it, and who is to blame? Yeah, that would be me.

    The Printer – A couple of years back HP decided change their practices. It used to be that their ink cartridges and print heads were one piece. Every time you replaced an ink cartridge, you replaced the print heads. They decided to make them separate parts. The ink cartridges stayed the exact same price (which is already too damned expensive) but the print heads are atrociously expensive, and now that they are not regularly replaced they are a weak point and quite prone to clogging.

    The last time I bought a printer, I did not know this. I had always had good luck with HP, so I bought HP again. However I found out soon enough about the problem. When my ink gets low, I tend to just keep running things until the pages are totally unacceptable. What is unacceptable of course varies depending on what it is I need to be printing out. Also once it becomes unacceptable, I don’t usually replace the cartridge until the next time I need to print. I let the cartridge stay there. Now with the new print head situation, that is very bad. You let it dry out and it clogs up. Actually just not using all the colors on the printer regularly enough will cause clogs.

    I found all this out the hard way last year. I had to do research to find a way to fix the print head problem because if I was going to spend the money to replace the damn things, I was just buying a new printer. I researched, found the various codes I needed to clear things out. Got instructions on how to physically clean things. Had to go through many steps for more in depth cleanings in order to finally get it working again.

    A few weeks back the printer was very low on color ink and I made a mental note to change the cartridges, and then failed to do so. There is a definite downside to making mental notes if you are losing your mind. I did not change the cartridges until I needed to print something and couldn’t. Once I changed them, I could not print because the print heads were bad. Yes, I had let it go on too long and had fucked things up. Also, I apparently lost the piece of my mind where I noted where I had saved off the information I researched last year so now I need to do the research again in order to get the printer working. Of course there was no way I could get that done prior to printing out the thing I needed right that minute.

    It is still blinking angrily at me because I still have not dealt with it.

    My To Do List – With each passing day it gets longer. I never make any progress. If I finish something on it, ten new things have appeared in the meantime. I am so damn tired. How can anyone be this tired? It is totally fucking ridiculous. I can work my ass off and accomplish nothing because I can’t think straight, or sideways or at all. Also, I am easily distracted by the internet, but of course I work on my damn computer. The number of things on MTDL that I don’t even gain anything from doing is mind boggling. I should take a class in how to say “No, I really don’t have the time.” I’ll put that on the list.

    Me – See above and add a few hundred thousand other reasons.

  • Things which are driving me completely batshit crazy today.

    The Dogs
    The Printer
    My To Do List
    Me

    I resent the last one the most.